Thursday, May 23, 2013

Tell me, my secret soul.

It has been a rough year of keeping up with my blog posts. I have sat down many times to write, but couldn't do it. I was having just as much trouble putting pen/brush to paper. I was overwhelmed, feeling raw, and much MUCH too vulnerable. I needed to process, alone. The flood gates are opening now, and finally I feel safe enough to share my stories with all of you. Before I begin, I want to thank all those that have encouraged me to be brave with my work here, to have the courage to be real, raw, and vulnerable. Courage to listen and follow my path, my true path. I have been asked many times over the past few years how is it that I am so comfortable with sharing my personal work. It is not easy. It is damn hard to push the "post" or "publish" button. Even as I write this, everything below has already been written, and all I needed was to hit the "button". I paused. I questioned. I felt the knot growing in my stomach. I heard the voice from childhood, "Don't ever share too much about yourself! They don't need to know!" I shared this recently on FaceBook, "Though it may not seem like a big deal for me to share my vulnerabilities with others, it never ceases to be incredibly difficult. But it is through letting go of this fear that connections happen not only with others but with myself." The response I received in return was beautiful. "Lisa, its a HUGE deal that you share your vulnerabilities, even though it is difficult. You teach me, and I'm sure many others, with your actions. You show that by facing our fears of exposure comes strength. Strength through vulnerability. The real damage to ourselves, our souls is not through what others do when we show vulnerability, but rather the damage comes when we allow fear to keep vulnerabilities hidden. Thank you for sharing your beautiful work, and your beautiful heart." Thank you, Mary Shilpp for these kind words!

It began with a quiet whisper on an intensely personal and painful journal page about my surgery, one year ago today. I didn't understand the significance of these words as my body struggled to heal over the following 8 months, yet the words called to me then, needing to be brought forth. The whispering message is clear now. Very clear, and yet difficult even now to open my heart and mind to the message when I need it the most. Learning to trust that She is always honest with me. Always.
The original blogpost can be seen here
I didn't realize at the time I worked on the above journal page that my worst fears weren't irrational. They in fact would become my reality for the next year. My body was broken, it wasn't healing, it was scaring up more and more each day, and the treatments offered to me where only going to cause more scaring and pain. I had never heard of the term Adhesions, though a lot of people have them and most never even know it, my body apparently creates thick rope-like adhesions... as a way of protecting itself. Rather than choosing surgery, I was referred to a Physical Therapist by a trusted and dear friend. For three months, Matt, my Physical Therapist, worked on my abdomen 3 days a week. The other two days I met with my Counselor/Therapist, whom I began seeing as a way to deal with the end of my 16 year marriage (this will be for another post in the near future). Matt was able to stretch and slowly ease the adhesions apart. But this was only a small part of the healing. Between he working on muscle memory release and my therapist working using EMDR Therapy to release a life time of emotional scars, I was given the most profound gift of my life. The gift of being present in my body. Fully present. Fully aware. Once that happened, the flood gates opened.

I finally understood the quiet whisper on my Journal page. 
"Tell me, my secret soul."

What I once perceived as a Road Block, was in fact precisely what I needed to grow, heal, and put me on my path. I am not sprinting as I thought I might, but rather going at a pace that I can be present in my life. Learning to enjoy the journey.

"Am I Broken?" Yes, indeed I was. Today, right now, I feel more healed than I ever have. More alive. More whole. The road towards finding my physical and inner strength has begun.

My secret Soul has brought forth many truths. Truths about my reality and my journey. Perceived realities that my mind and body filtered, twisted, and projected to suite my desires and fears. I am learning to listen to her now. Some may call it intuition, others their gut-feeling, still others the quiet voice, I prefer "my true-self".

"Adhesions and Healing"
mixed media in my Visual Journal

The taped in page is supposed to look like the fascia tissue that my rope-like adhesions formed in, then grew to attach to surrounding organs and muscles. 

underneath the Fascia tissue and adhesions

I kept a visual "diary" of my external healing...I was told I would heal from the inside out. They were wrong.


gina armfield said...

Sorry to hear of your painful physical journey but happy to hear about your spiritual and soulful one and the claiming of a resilent spirit. It takes courage to be honest and truthful you are a brave woman.

Lisa Cheney-Jorgensen said...

The universe has definitely been working hard with/on me the past year+. Even when I was kicking and screaming. I am just now learning that it is important to claim our own life story. To embrace it, even when it feels like it will smother you. To share it, in hopes that one other soul out there can benefit from it. We are all so frightened to open our hearts and expose who we are at the core. The beauty of the person is usually found in those protected spaces. Thank you, Gina! "Claiming of a resilient spirit." I love that! That is very much what this journey has felt like.

Sandi said...

what a wonderful and courage thing you have done in this sharing, as we walk our journeys so much of the time we think it is alone and that far too few would even understand because we are not listening close enough to understand ourselves, I too have been jolted to pay attention and listen to those little voices, to honor myself even if others in my life do not feel the need to. There in lies our power and our ability to keep on our paths, thanks again and hugs

Karen Blados said...

Oh, my friend, I knew some of the struggles you've been facing, but am saddened to hear just how tough life has been for you. You continue to amaze and inspire me with your incredible spirit and strength.

Lisa Cheney-Jorgensen said...

Sandi: Thank you for your insight. And, for so eloquently summing this all up. (you are a wonderful writer!) Hugs to you, as you stay on your soulful path and listen to your small voice that guides you. xo

Karen: Yes, we BOTH have had a rough year+. However, we are both emerging stronger and more enlightened to our realities and learning to love life. BTW: your notes have been adding to an inspiring new path for me. The universe has been presenting paths I never imagined a year ago. I will tell you more soon! lots of love to you!! xo

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