dare to dream?

When I was young I dreamt a lot. I dreamt of living in the forest, inside hollow trees, like a fairy. I dreamt of driving my daddy's fast antique cars. I dreamt of designing my own home with a tower that had a view of the sunrise and the sunset. I dreamt of being brave. I dreamt of being liked by my peers.  I dreamt of learning how to make anything just like my dad. I dreamt of being talented like my mom. I dreamt of living by the ocean. I dreamt of being pretty. I dreamt of floating across the land in a hot air balloon. I dreamt of being an artist. I dreamt of rocking my small child to sleep. I dreamt of finding love. I dreamt of seeing far away lands. I dreamt of being able to write, sing, and dance with confidence. I dreamt of being passionate in all that I do. I dreamt of safe places to dream. 

I feel an immense gratitude that many of my dreams have unfolded and brought me on a journey far better than I ever could have imagined. I wake each morning knowing that I will spend many hours of the day doing what I love. I am loved by two fantastic kids, who unknowingly teach me how to be a better person. I have my tribe of friends, family, and creatives souls that bring me up and inspire me. Yet, I still have dreams. 

So many dreams. Some just fleeting thoughts. Some became distant memories, for I was told they were unrealistic due to lack of time, money, or priorities. I was told perhaps someday.... someday, when does someday ever really happen? 

For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed of traveling to far away lands. Then in college, the far away lands became the lands were the masters lived. I dreamed of seeing the incredible paintings, architecture, and sculpture created by the masters. To see even a small portion of the art from the history books would be amazing. What would it be like to walk the same streets, see the same sites, be inspired by and connected to artists from the past? Can you imagine!? Top of the list, Paris! I dreamt of traveling there right out of college with a group of artists. However, other life priorities came about and the dream of traveling to Paris was just another distant memory. Until a year ago. I met a artist who was planning on going to France, she invited me to go with her. I recall thinking at the time she was just dreaming, yet I was very excited at the thought of the dream. As the months passed, she continued to refresh the excitement. Could "someday" actually be a reality? There were so many naysayer thoughts jumping around in my head... "Is this even something I should consider? What about the time away? What about the money? Who is going to watch the kids? You are going to get lost in that big old city. What makes you think you deserve this?" Oh, so many critics giving reasons why I shouldn't do this... but, the door was open, I didn't want to walk away from it this time, so I took a deep breath and a leap of faith!! 

In one month, I will be fulfilling a lifelong dream!!! In doing so, the world has been opening up in ways I never imagined. I am so excited to share all this with you!! Stay tuned!!

: My question to you.... What is YOUR life long dream? Dig deep, it is there, still whispering to you. Do you dare still dream about it? Is it in the category of "someday"? What steps can you do to bring it out of "someday" and into reality? :

After the Storm....

"And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in." ~ unknown

This was the literal dream I had almost exactly 2 years ago, on my 41st birthday. I had no doubts what the dream meant, as much as I was fighting it at that time and continued to struggle with the reality of it for the next two years, the storm had arrived. I easily dealt with the small set backs (the small twister crossing my path), however the worst of the storm was on its way whether i was ready or not. Wrecking havoc in my life and all those close to me.

I have been quiet the past year not only with all of you, but with most of the people in my life, and even with myself. Divorce is never an easy life altering event. Whether you've been married only 1year or 16 years. No matter the circumstances that brought you to this crossroad, it is never an easy choice. I do know that I am no longer the person I was 2 years ago when this all began for me. I am even further from the person I was just 6 months ago. I have grown in ways I never imagined, and am excited to see where my new path takes me. Until recently, I had not allowed myself to process how this event has effected me. For the past year I was preoccupied with my surgery and complications of that, sitting in all the phases of grief yet not really allowing myself to feel them fully, healing from past traumas, and so on... The past 4 months I have been more gentle with myself, by allowing what comes up to be expressed in my journals. Beginning to understand my reality. Finding the lessons to be learned. Embracing the growth. Claiming myself.

Here is my processing, thus far......

"This is no fucking Mid-Life Crisis" ~ in the Book of Dreams 
Awoke to these words echoing in my head. 
Dreamt Feb 2012, completed Sept 15, 2012

"Transformation" ~ in the Book of Dreams
Dreamt of nurturing a baby salamander until it was strong enough 
to survive on its own, only to have a huge toad gobble it up.
Dreamt Jan 2, 2013, completed Feb 23, 2013

My new journal "After the Storm"
Cover is one of my monotype ghost prints that I then went back into and drew over the top with ink & colored pencil. 
7.5"x9"x1.5" ~ paper inside is heavy weight printmaking paper

Dedication page: Inside front cover

"Chapter XXXXII ~ After the Storm"
It was a bit of a break though to find bits and pieces of writing in 
the old book pages that resonated perfectly. 

"Home?" 
Layers and layers of writing, painting, writing some more, painting some more. Learning about my personal symbolisms. I have pages and pages of feedback from trusted artist friends who helped me see just how significant this image is to me. It was like opening pandoras box. Home. What is home now? Where is my home now? Where is home for me now? I attempted to draw a crow, but it didn't feel right. Instead I painted a House sparrow. Yes, makes sense now, yet at the time I wasn't thinking about it. Rather, reacting to what the imagery seemed to need. 

"Chapters" 
Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. 

Don't resist them – that only creates sorrow. 

Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in 

whatever way they like." ~Lao Tzu 

This was first time I was able to come to terms with the fact that I am a single mother now, that I need to allow myself to move into this new chapter. And just as significantly, that my soul knows what to do to heal itself. IF I will allow it and listen to the quiet voice.

"I AM"
claiming who i am. very deep soul work in this book spread. 

"Sloughing Off the Old"
I began this spread with the knowledge I needed to come to terms with my identity. 
Who am I now? 
Our names are often how most people first identify another. I was born to this life, Lisa Christine Cheney. During my brief first marriage I took on my husband's last name as is custom. I felt like a fraud the whole time. I was grateful to have my last name restored. Five years later I was facing the same dilemma. This time I chose to hyphenate my last name. At first it was cumbersome and long. But gradually I became this new name. For 16 years I was known as Lisa Cheney-Jorgensen both privately and professionally. There is no other person out there with my name. Now I was faced with the fact that that too wasn't who I am now. I chose to return back to my birth name. Regardless what happens in the future I will not be taking on another's name again. So this is where this piece started, coming to terms with my identity. This was the first layer that touched the page, my name written over and over. The next layer  and the layer after that was all mind dumping free writing until I could figure out what needed to be brought forth. In the very last open space on the page the title " it's time to shed this skin" appeared. Then I knew. What you see here is an image I have had rolling around in my mind for almost a year. It was realized when I wrote to a friend, "I feel like I am forcing myself back into a skin that no longer fits."  The time had come to move past the fear into acceptance, to slough off the old. All of this was done in the light of the full moon particle lunar eclipse on April 25th.

"Release"
encaustic on a wood panel
This is currently where I am. Cutting cords. Releasing attachments.
 Learning not to hold on tight, but rather to relax, and simply let go of those that I've held onto for too long. 

I still have a lot more that needs to be worked out and put to the page.... works that are still in-process, awaiting the story to come forth. But this is where I am in my healing process. I am not the same person I once was, for which I am thankful. Bit by bit I am learning to love this new woman who stands before me. She has a mission, a purpose, and a path that I need to allow happen. It is all very exciting the doors that are presenting themselves, people who are coming into my life for very specific reasons, and the paths that are laid out before me. I am so close to closing this chapter in my life, so that I can more forward into my new life. Into my soul purpose. My heart is so full with love to all those that have been with me this past year 1/2, both family and friends. And as much of a shock as this may sound to some, I am thankful to my ex husband who has been going through the same events and yet in the end, we have become friends. This in and of itself, is a very rare feat. 

Tell me, my secret soul.

It has been a rough year of keeping up with my blog posts. I have sat down many times to write, but couldn't do it. I was having just as much trouble putting pen/brush to paper. I was overwhelmed, feeling raw, and much MUCH too vulnerable. I needed to process, alone. The flood gates are opening now, and finally I feel safe enough to share my stories with all of you. Before I begin, I want to thank all those that have encouraged me to be brave with my work here, to have the courage to be real, raw, and vulnerable. Courage to listen and follow my path, my true path. I have been asked many times over the past few years how is it that I am so comfortable with sharing my personal work. It is not easy. It is damn hard to push the "post" or "publish" button. Even as I write this, everything below has already been written, and all I needed was to hit the "button". I paused. I questioned. I felt the knot growing in my stomach. I heard the voice from childhood, "Don't ever share too much about yourself! They don't need to know!" I shared this recently on FaceBook, "Though it may not seem like a big deal for me to share my vulnerabilities with others, it never ceases to be incredibly difficult. But it is through letting go of this fear that connections happen not only with others but with myself." The response I received in return was beautiful. "Lisa, its a HUGE deal that you share your vulnerabilities, even though it is difficult. You teach me, and I'm sure many others, with your actions. You show that by facing our fears of exposure comes strength. Strength through vulnerability. The real damage to ourselves, our souls is not through what others do when we show vulnerability, but rather the damage comes when we allow fear to keep vulnerabilities hidden. Thank you for sharing your beautiful work, and your beautiful heart." Thank you, Mary Shilpp for these kind words!

It began with a quiet whisper on an intensely personal and painful journal page about my surgery, one year ago today. I didn't understand the significance of these words as my body struggled to heal over the following 8 months, yet the words called to me then, needing to be brought forth. The whispering message is clear now. Very clear, and yet difficult even now to open my heart and mind to the message when I need it the most. Learning to trust that She is always honest with me. Always.

The original blogpost can be seen here

I didn't realize at the time I worked on the above journal page that my worst fears weren't irrational. They in fact would become my reality for the next year. My body was broken, it wasn't healing, it was scaring up more and more each day, and the treatments offered to me where only going to cause more scaring and pain. I had never heard of the term Adhesions, though a lot of people have them and most never even know it, my body apparently creates thick rope-like adhesions... as a way of protecting itself. Rather than choosing surgery, I was referred to a Physical Therapist by a trusted and dear friend. For three months, Matt, my Physical Therapist, worked on my abdomen 3 days a week. The other two days I met with my Counselor/Therapist, whom I began seeing as a way to deal with the end of my 16 year marriage (this will be for another post in the near future). Matt was able to stretch and slowly ease the adhesions apart. But this was only a small part of the healing. Between he working on muscle memory release and my therapist working using EMDR Therapy to release a life time of emotional scars, I was given the most profound gift of my life. The gift of being present in my body. Fully present. Fully aware. Once that happened, the flood gates opened.

I finally understood the quiet whisper on my Journal page. 

"Tell me, my secret soul."

What I once perceived as a Road Block, was in fact precisely what I needed to grow, heal, and put me on my path. I am not sprinting as I thought I might, but rather going at a pace that I can be present in my life. Learning to enjoy the journey.


"Am I Broken?" Yes, indeed I was. Today, right now, I feel more healed than I ever have. More alive. More whole. The road towards finding my physical and inner strength has begun.

My secret Soul has brought forth many truths. Truths about my reality and my journey. Perceived realities that my mind and body filtered, twisted, and projected to suite my desires and fears. I am learning to listen to her now. Some may call it intuition, others their gut-feeling, still others the quiet voice, I prefer "my true-self".

"Adhesions and Healing"
mixed media in my Visual Journal

The taped in page is supposed to look like the fascia tissue that my rope-like adhesions formed in, then grew to attach to surrounding organs and muscles. 

underneath the Fascia tissue and adhesions

I kept a visual "diary" of my external healing...I was told I would heal from the inside out. They were wrong.