Tell me, my secret soul.

It has been a rough year of keeping up with my blog posts. I have sat down many times to write, but couldn't do it. I was having just as much trouble putting pen/brush to paper. I was overwhelmed, feeling raw, and much MUCH too vulnerable. I needed to process, alone. The flood gates are opening now, and finally I feel safe enough to share my stories with all of you. Before I begin, I want to thank all those that have encouraged me to be brave with my work here, to have the courage to be real, raw, and vulnerable. Courage to listen and follow my path, my true path. I have been asked many times over the past few years how is it that I am so comfortable with sharing my personal work. It is not easy. It is damn hard to push the "post" or "publish" button. Even as I write this, everything below has already been written, and all I needed was to hit the "button". I paused. I questioned. I felt the knot growing in my stomach. I heard the voice from childhood, "Don't ever share too much about yourself! They don't need to know!" I shared this recently on FaceBook, "Though it may not seem like a big deal for me to share my vulnerabilities with others, it never ceases to be incredibly difficult. But it is through letting go of this fear that connections happen not only with others but with myself." The response I received in return was beautiful. "Lisa, its a HUGE deal that you share your vulnerabilities, even though it is difficult. You teach me, and I'm sure many others, with your actions. You show that by facing our fears of exposure comes strength. Strength through vulnerability. The real damage to ourselves, our souls is not through what others do when we show vulnerability, but rather the damage comes when we allow fear to keep vulnerabilities hidden. Thank you for sharing your beautiful work, and your beautiful heart." Thank you, Mary Shilpp for these kind words!

It began with a quiet whisper on an intensely personal and painful journal page about my surgery, one year ago today. I didn't understand the significance of these words as my body struggled to heal over the following 8 months, yet the words called to me then, needing to be brought forth. The whispering message is clear now. Very clear, and yet difficult even now to open my heart and mind to the message when I need it the most. Learning to trust that She is always honest with me. Always.

The original blogpost can be seen here

I didn't realize at the time I worked on the above journal page that my worst fears weren't irrational. They in fact would become my reality for the next year. My body was broken, it wasn't healing, it was scaring up more and more each day, and the treatments offered to me where only going to cause more scaring and pain. I had never heard of the term Adhesions, though a lot of people have them and most never even know it, my body apparently creates thick rope-like adhesions... as a way of protecting itself. Rather than choosing surgery, I was referred to a Physical Therapist by a trusted and dear friend. For three months, Matt, my Physical Therapist, worked on my abdomen 3 days a week. The other two days I met with my Counselor/Therapist, whom I began seeing as a way to deal with the end of my 16 year marriage (this will be for another post in the near future). Matt was able to stretch and slowly ease the adhesions apart. But this was only a small part of the healing. Between he working on muscle memory release and my therapist working using EMDR Therapy to release a life time of emotional scars, I was given the most profound gift of my life. The gift of being present in my body. Fully present. Fully aware. Once that happened, the flood gates opened.

I finally understood the quiet whisper on my Journal page. 

"Tell me, my secret soul."

What I once perceived as a Road Block, was in fact precisely what I needed to grow, heal, and put me on my path. I am not sprinting as I thought I might, but rather going at a pace that I can be present in my life. Learning to enjoy the journey.


"Am I Broken?" Yes, indeed I was. Today, right now, I feel more healed than I ever have. More alive. More whole. The road towards finding my physical and inner strength has begun.

My secret Soul has brought forth many truths. Truths about my reality and my journey. Perceived realities that my mind and body filtered, twisted, and projected to suite my desires and fears. I am learning to listen to her now. Some may call it intuition, others their gut-feeling, still others the quiet voice, I prefer "my true-self".

"Adhesions and Healing"
mixed media in my Visual Journal

The taped in page is supposed to look like the fascia tissue that my rope-like adhesions formed in, then grew to attach to surrounding organs and muscles. 

underneath the Fascia tissue and adhesions

I kept a visual "diary" of my external healing...I was told I would heal from the inside out. They were wrong.

An Illustrated Journey!

I feel honored, thankful, and so, so, SO blessed to be one of the 40 artists Danny Gregory asked to be featured in his new book An Illustrated Journey. (available now, actually the first publication has sold out and they are into the 2nd publication already!)

It was a thrill to meet Danny face to face via Skype (well kind of face to face, but you know what I mean) and to have a long conversation with him. Danny was just as I thought he would be... down to earth, kind, humble, and oh so sweet. Though I'm afraid the entire recorded section of the "interview" I sounded like a dork, *sigh*. Still wish he or I lived closer, I'd love to go out sketching with him for a day or weekend!

Danny Gregory has been posting interviews with the artists on his website. It is an awesome experience to see, hear, and learn about the contributing artists. I'm looking forward to watching the interviews of many long time on-line friends. Order your book today and follow along with us!

To Save a Life - of a petrified paint brush

A few months back I posted this pic of one of my brushes, forgotten, dried up, stuck to the bottom of the water container, ruined... Sadly I don't always take care of my brushes when I am in a creative mood.

The same fate fell on my favorite brush I used for creating my textured backgrounds. I couldn't bare to throw it way, thankfully! I came across a tip on how to save petrified brushes... Soak them in Murphy Oil Soap! I soaked this one for over a week, slowly easing the bristles apart, soaking more... And look!!! She is good as new!!!

I was skeptical for sure. Especially since the tip said to soak overnight to remove acrylic paint from brushes, overnight didn't do a thing. But slowly, bit by bit the bristles started to loosen up! Soaked a few more days and scrubbed the last of the gel medium from the bristles and look! YAY!!

31 day Challenge Continued...

Though I didn't "sketch" everyday, I did work through quite a bit during the month of January. 

A lot of it deeply personal, some of it just for fun. Most of it with the idea of expanding on pages. The book I worked in is a very small moleskine type sketchbook with thin pages. I loved the size, but wish I would have put all these in my daily visual journal. I've decided to sew the pages into my visual journal so as not to loose the pages, and to keep them in order of my life. I've come to appreciate the chronological order of my books. I can see where I have been, how my life has changed, the challenges I've faced, how I have grown or how I fight the growth. It is life. 

Day 16: "court ordered"

A very long day, sketched this while waiting for a meeting to start at the courthouse. 

Day 17:
A little bit on the lighter side. fun sketch of my Junker Jane bird that hangs out in my studio

Day 18: 

Sketched while waiting for my daughter to give a make-up presentation to her teacher. Spent the morning conferencing with all her teachers and counselor trying to figure out how to salvage the semester. She has been so ill that I've kept her home for the past three weeks. Ugh!!

Day 21: few days behind... :/
goofing around, not very successful, but what is goofing around for anyway

various inks and acrylics (mostly applied with my fingers)

After sitting with this piece for awhile I decided I do like it after all. Now I'm going to paint some larger versions on wood. 

Day 22: first night of teaching the "Savage Mirror" workshop to a few friends... 

This was the beginning of a demo.

Day 23-
2nd night of teaching my "Savage Mirror" workshop. 

This technique uses water soluble graphite and gloss medium.
I still need to add a bit of text, but I don't know what it will be just yet... waiting for her to tell me.

After much thought this quote resonated:

You get your intuition back when you make space for it, when you stop the chattering of the rational mind. The rational mind doesn’t nourish you. You assume that it gives you the truth, because the rational mind is the golden calf that this culture worships, but this is not true. Rationality squeezes out much that is rich and juicy and fascinating.”

-Anne Lamott

Day 26:
Sneak preview sketch of the piece I am working on tonight... will make it's way to Flying M tomorrow for the annual Valentine for AIDS art auction.

Day 28- 30

 And the finished piece for the silent Art Auction.

"A Wasted Love" ~ with a Bleeding Heart Dove

mixed media ~ acrylic, ink, paper maché, string, old book cover

31 Days of Sketching Challenge

It has been a long time since I have worked in my daily visual journal. 2012 was a challenging year... watching, waiting, searching, unexpected growth, physical healing, what feels like a death and now rebirth of the soul. I couldn't bare to put pen/brush to paper and look at it all. I was too vulnerable, felt too raw and exposed ... I am inspired right now. I can't seem to have enough alone time. Enough time in the studio, processing, and sitting with myself.

I was given the challenge by a friend to sketch everyday this month... so I grabbed the nearest small sketchbook (crappy paper and all) and began my 31 Days of Sketching Challenge. I started late and don't have enough time in the day to work on these every day, regardless here is what I've been working on the past few weeks.

I am attempting to quickly get all the ideas, concepts, thoughts and "stuff" out of my head and onto paper.... an attempt to find those snippets that mean something important and need to be worked on in depth in my other journals. Perhaps larger on canvas.

Days 3-4: "Fear of losing ones self"

working through some ideas/thumbnails for an entry into my Book of Dreams visual journal. dreamt of a salamander and toad. took me all day to decipher the symbolism, but I hear my subconscious loud and clear.

Day 5: 

though not a "sketch" I am prepping pages for new visual journal work and adding to incomplete pages/spreads... so I am kind of sketching in a way...

Day 6-7: "Love Deeply"

Working through some new bird imagery. This is a bleeding heart dove... I recently did a monotype print of one of these birds and am really drawn to them right now. SO, she will probably show up again.

Day 8: "old skin"

Working up some more concepts that have been mulling around in my brain for far too long.

Day 9: "muscle & bone memories"

I've been trying to figure out how to work this idea out on the page... going to work out a few more ideas over the next couple days... bare with me.

Day 13 or 14: "Truths be told..."

Looked up and this is the reflection staring back at me in the window. My mind was heavy in thought. Finished this up with some journaling off to the side.

Day 15: "ability"

this quote stuck with me most of the day...

In a perpetual state of change...

I came across this quote some time ago on another's soul stirring blog. It resonated instantly then, even more so today as I work to embrace my soul-sojourn journey. It will be a prompt for an upcoming visual journal entry... perhaps the first entry into a new journal meant specifically for the chapters/seasons of my life and all the changes that are unraveling.

This journal I just finished may just be the perfect choice. I made it recently as a demo for one of my book making workshops. The cover is a one of my monotype prints that I printed on the etching press dad made, and then drew over the top of the print with ink and colored pencil. I sealed it with wax so that it would be more durable for the cover.