Tell me, my secret soul.

It has been a rough year of keeping up with my blog posts. I have sat down many times to write, but couldn't do it. I was having just as much trouble putting pen/brush to paper. I was overwhelmed, feeling raw, and much MUCH too vulnerable. I needed to process, alone. The flood gates are opening now, and finally I feel safe enough to share my stories with all of you. Before I begin, I want to thank all those that have encouraged me to be brave with my work here, to have the courage to be real, raw, and vulnerable. Courage to listen and follow my path, my true path. I have been asked many times over the past few years how is it that I am so comfortable with sharing my personal work. It is not easy. It is damn hard to push the "post" or "publish" button. Even as I write this, everything below has already been written, and all I needed was to hit the "button". I paused. I questioned. I felt the knot growing in my stomach. I heard the voice from childhood, "Don't ever share too much about yourself! They don't need to know!" I shared this recently on FaceBook, "Though it may not seem like a big deal for me to share my vulnerabilities with others, it never ceases to be incredibly difficult. But it is through letting go of this fear that connections happen not only with others but with myself." The response I received in return was beautiful. "Lisa, its a HUGE deal that you share your vulnerabilities, even though it is difficult. You teach me, and I'm sure many others, with your actions. You show that by facing our fears of exposure comes strength. Strength through vulnerability. The real damage to ourselves, our souls is not through what others do when we show vulnerability, but rather the damage comes when we allow fear to keep vulnerabilities hidden. Thank you for sharing your beautiful work, and your beautiful heart." Thank you, Mary Shilpp for these kind words!

It began with a quiet whisper on an intensely personal and painful journal page about my surgery, one year ago today. I didn't understand the significance of these words as my body struggled to heal over the following 8 months, yet the words called to me then, needing to be brought forth. The whispering message is clear now. Very clear, and yet difficult even now to open my heart and mind to the message when I need it the most. Learning to trust that She is always honest with me. Always.

The original blogpost can be seen here

I didn't realize at the time I worked on the above journal page that my worst fears weren't irrational. They in fact would become my reality for the next year. My body was broken, it wasn't healing, it was scaring up more and more each day, and the treatments offered to me where only going to cause more scaring and pain. I had never heard of the term Adhesions, though a lot of people have them and most never even know it, my body apparently creates thick rope-like adhesions... as a way of protecting itself. Rather than choosing surgery, I was referred to a Physical Therapist by a trusted and dear friend. For three months, Matt, my Physical Therapist, worked on my abdomen 3 days a week. The other two days I met with my Counselor/Therapist, whom I began seeing as a way to deal with the end of my 16 year marriage (this will be for another post in the near future). Matt was able to stretch and slowly ease the adhesions apart. But this was only a small part of the healing. Between he working on muscle memory release and my therapist working using EMDR Therapy to release a life time of emotional scars, I was given the most profound gift of my life. The gift of being present in my body. Fully present. Fully aware. Once that happened, the flood gates opened.

I finally understood the quiet whisper on my Journal page. 

"Tell me, my secret soul."

What I once perceived as a Road Block, was in fact precisely what I needed to grow, heal, and put me on my path. I am not sprinting as I thought I might, but rather going at a pace that I can be present in my life. Learning to enjoy the journey.


"Am I Broken?" Yes, indeed I was. Today, right now, I feel more healed than I ever have. More alive. More whole. The road towards finding my physical and inner strength has begun.

My secret Soul has brought forth many truths. Truths about my reality and my journey. Perceived realities that my mind and body filtered, twisted, and projected to suite my desires and fears. I am learning to listen to her now. Some may call it intuition, others their gut-feeling, still others the quiet voice, I prefer "my true-self".

"Adhesions and Healing"
mixed media in my Visual Journal

The taped in page is supposed to look like the fascia tissue that my rope-like adhesions formed in, then grew to attach to surrounding organs and muscles. 

underneath the Fascia tissue and adhesions

I kept a visual "diary" of my external healing...I was told I would heal from the inside out. They were wrong.

Road Blocks

‎"The times I have the most to say are the times I can't talk" 

I feel perplexed by the truth and frequency of this statement. I wish I could find the right words when they are truly needed. Words that do not sound insensitive or a jumbled mess. It always seems to take me far too long to unclutter my head enough to find the source of my muteness and to open up. Most people are not patient enough to stick around long enough to hear those deep vulnerable parts. The spoken word has never been my friend. 

My life has been on an emotional roller coaster for the past year and a half. There are moments that I am able to quite my mind, look at fears, and come to the realization that this journey, this soul path that I have embarked on, is exactly where I need to be. That in this journey I will become strong. I can't wiggle back into that former skin that no longer fits. Even though I have been running into road blocks, such as my hysterectomy, the path is still there... and I long to sprint down it fearlessly. 

Our choices define who we are.

At times I find it a real challenge being a parent/mentor not only to my own children but to all the youth that need guidance and a positive influence. I am a believer in the philosophy that it takes a village to raise our youth, and that a parent can only influence so much. The world around us has a way of influencing our youth, sometimes for the better, sometime for worse. We can't place our children in bubbles. The only thing we can do is to talk to them honestly, give them guidance, expect them to live up to their potential, and learn to make choices that will take them further in life. I wish that when I was in my youth a caring adult would have pulled me aside and explained that life is made up of choices. Each choice we make comes with a consequence. Nobody can make the choice for us, nor can they force us into making the choice. When making the choices in life we have to take responsibility for the outcome. Both good, and bad. Always keep in mind that these choices will eventually define who we are. 

A friend posted this  link to his page awhile back and it has resinated with me ever since. Looking beyond who produced the commercial, It visually and eloquently illustrates the parallels of how powerful our choices define us, exactly what I think each young person needs to see and hear.